so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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