Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
