Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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