Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
