everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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