6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
dude i'm inner monologue high
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
