It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
