I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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