New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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