you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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