today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
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I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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