You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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