like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
