I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
