it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
