either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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