I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
