Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
