Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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