i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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