you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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