you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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