so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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