haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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