...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
