So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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