On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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