did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
