I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
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This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
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I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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