New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
