Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.