I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
