new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
