Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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