It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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