Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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