When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
