omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I fill condoms, not promises.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
