i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
