i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
