I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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