I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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