If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize