i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
