I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
