I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Randomize
