I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
