The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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