if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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