if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
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Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
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Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
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