How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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