how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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