I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize