I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
