oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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