My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
