It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
