her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
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