Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I forget how to act sober
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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